Family & Relationships

If you have ever been pregnant or happen to have children it is highly likely that you have experienced mom shaming. According to this survey, 6 out of 10 moms have been criticized about how they parent their young children.

I want to scream this from the highest mountain top and every street corner!

Whatever happened to, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all”? Is it just me, or has this mommy shaming gotten worse now that we are surrounded by social media? Everyone has an opinion and feels that they HAVE to share it.

Mom shaming hurts women

I’ve seen it happen to others, I’ve experienced mom shaming myself and it is horrifying. Who gives anyone the right to pass judgment on how you raise your child? 

It is so easy to pass judgment on another parent. It is easy to pass judgment on the mom of the child who is throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store; or the mom who is breastfeeding their child in public; or the one that chooses to vaccinate or not to vaccinate. But do we really have a right to call a woman out on her choice? 

Mom shaming a woman for making a decision that she feels is right for her, her child, and her family is none of our business. If a woman chooses to bottle feed her baby, she shouldn’t be put down for it. You don’t know if she tried breastfeeding, struggled with it, and now carries that guilt in her heart every time she sticks a bottle in her baby’s mouth. She doesn’t need anyone to shame her. Why are we so quick to judge?

It’s none of your business

Now, where there are situations of neglect and abuse, someone needs to intervene. However, that is not what I am referring to. Most moms try to inform themselves on different parenting topics, especially the big ones. 

There are books written on literally everything in regards to children and I have read several myself, but that doesn’t make me an expert. Some advice might work for one child, but it would be detrimental to implement with another. So how can anyone from the outside make that judgment without knowing the situation, the family, or the child? It’s none of our business. 

Outsiders often feel it is their duty to tell a mom that she is wrong. Oftentimes, this is supposed to be meant as constructive criticism. It often comes from well-meaning grandparents, in-laws, and friends. 

Here’s the thing, it is easy to say “YOU’RE WRONG! I’M RIGHT! DO THIS.” It is easy to look in from the outside and pass judgment. Far too easy. But does this advice actually help the mom? More often than not, the mom is left feeling worse than if nothing had been said at all. So maybe everyone would be better off keeping their opinions to themselves.

Moms are people and deserve respect

Being a mom is one of the toughest, messy, exhausting, and most rewarding things I have ever done. Motherhood is tough and anyone who claims otherwise likely isn’t a mom. 

As a mom, you are on call 24/7, you give your life, your body, and sometimes you give up your sanity for your children. Moms are some of the most resilient, strong, and caring people you will ever meet. 

Anyone who is a mom has had moments where she feels that her parenting skills suck. She has days where she wishes she could crawl back into bed and pull the covers over her head. 

I’ve had those days. I’ve had those days where I felt like I was ruining my child or that I didn’t know up from down. On those days, I call up a friend and have a good long chat. I ask for advice because I know that others have walked this path before. 

If a mom asks for your advice, by all means, give it. But if she doesn’t, keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. Let’s make the world a friendlier place. 

Unsolicited advice:

• When you see a mom who is having a rough day, say something nice. 
• Don’t judge. In most cases, you don’t know what she is going through or how much thought she put into her parenting choices.
• Wait until she asks for your opinion or advice before giving advice and don’t criticize her. 
• Chances are the other mom feels enough mom guilt and is critical enough of her own parenting that she needs a hug and not harsh judgment. 
• Think about how you would want to be treated. Do you like people telling you what to do or how you are doing things “wrong”?
• Be a friend. Moms need to be surrounded by people who empower them and lift them up. They beat themselves up enough as it is.

If you have ever been mommy shamed, I want you to know that you are not alone and that you are not a bad mother.

Making meaningful connections with our children is simple, but it requires us, parents, to be intentional. 

I often catch myself on my phone or distracted by the busyness that comes from being a mom and I miss opportunities to really and truly connect with my children. 

It is so easy to let a moment slip away. Being intentional is not hard, but it requires us, parents, to be present.

1. Start the day with a hug

When I was a teen, I was a mother’s helper. I spent countless Saturdays and summer days helping out on the farm with the children. I was there pretty early in the morning. 

One of the things that impressed me the most was that the mom would sit on the couch or comfy chair and hug each child as they arrived downstairs. She stopped whatever she was doing to sit and cuddle. 

Each child would sit on her lap as long as they needed and enjoyed the moment. This has left such a mark on me. I knew that this was something that I wanted to do if I ever had children: begin the day with a hug.

A hug is powerful and is a wonderful way to connect. 

2. Get your child involved

It is easier to cook meals and clean the house without having a child’s help. It is quicker and involves a lot less mess. 

I don’t know about you, but I like working in a clean kitchen. But over time, I have learned that involving the children in the everyday running of the household can be a great way to connect. 

While cooking a meal, my children will open up their hearts and let me know things that are deeply personal. Spending time in the garden, they tell me things, too. 

Building projects and crafting projects have given me insight into so many of my children’s most intimate desires. You can make countless memories during the most menial tasks of the day. 

Just think about when you baked with your mother or grandmother. Do you remember what you made? How it made you feel? Or how it smelled? 

3. Be an active listener

This one can be a tough one for me. I have to be brutally honest. It is hard to actively listen to my children. 

Some of my children want to talk all the time and others seek me out when I am catching a moment of silence. Some days I have to force myself to be extra attentive to my behavior.

I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking that I don’t care about them. I want them to feel connected. 

Active listening in the younger years is so important. If you want teenagers that will come to you and talk to you about anything, a foundation is required. 

I have to remind myself that their concerns or ideas, no matter how insignificant they are to me, are important to them. 

Listening attentively not only promotes a healthy parent-child connection but also impacts their confidence so that they know that you will always listen no matter what they have to say. 

Knowing that they have someone on their side is so important as they transition to adulthood.

4. Read to them and read with them

As a homeschool mom, this one seems like a no-brainer. You probably do this anyway. 

After several years of homeschooling, I have come to realize that my children and I have developed so many memories while reading. 

My kids will remind me of the times we read Inkheart in the backyard by the fire pit in near darkness and how much they would love to do that again.  

You can develop lots of meaningful connections through reading. We have our favorite quotes and funny moments to reflect on. 

The more you read to them and with them, the more they will beg you to read. Reading creates connections with your children on so many levels. 

5. Make an effort

Ouch! That sounds so preachy. It can be difficult to make an effort, though. 

As a mom of 8 kids, I have to be extra careful that I am not unabashedly oblivious to the needs of some of my children. Some of them are super needy and make themselves heard and get plenty of time to connect with me.  

Others, however, are super independent and quiet and require my extra due diligence to connect with them. 

Over the years, I have found a few ways to make those extra special one-on-one connections with my children. 

One way that we love to connect is by writing each other notes. Here is a quick list to get you started:

• Surprise them with something they like.
• Tell each other jokes.
• Write them notes (my little guys love it when a big person helps them do this and someone plays mailman).
• Words of affirmation whispered in their ear or on note cards.
• One-on-one date or outing with no other siblings.
• Make something with them or for them especially.
• Get involved in what interests them.

There are literally hundreds of ways to make connections with our children. Sometimes, it just takes a little effort. In the end, the effort will be rewarded. Think of all the memories you will make. 

This morning, I was listening to a husband and wife doing a Facebook Live. They were out celebrating their 10th anniversary and were sharing tips on how to have a successful marriage. 

Something they said inspired me to write this post. It was about being intentional in making memories. I had never thought about memories being “intentional” before. Didn’t memories just happen? 

We create memories whether we are intentional or not, don’t we? But what memories are we making? 

If we think about our own memories (the good ones), they came from someone making an effort. 

Think about it. A marriage proposal, a vacation, birth of a child.

Wonderful memories are created and don’t happen completely by chance! 

Wouldn’t it be great if we could give our children as many good memories as possible? I mean, wouldn’t it be great to make wonderful memories with our children, ones that they can cherish for years to come?  

It doesn’t have to be elaborate, expensive, or time-consuming to make lasting impressions.

Based on The 5 love languages

Someone introduced me to “The 5 Love Languages” years ago. A man named Gary Chapman has written several books about the five love languages.

They are all based on the concept that every human being speaks through their love language. Every person has a love language that is more dominant than the others. 

Being spoken to in our dominant love language is what fills our love tank. When we show others love in their love language, they react positively and feel even more loved.

With children, it can be difficult to figure out what their main love language is, so it is recommended that we speak to them in all of the five love languages.

If we are intentional, we can create positive memories while filling our childrens’ love tanks. The 5 Love Languages are as follows:

1. Words of affirmation

When a child’s love language is words of affirmation, they like to hear about how much they are loved. You can make positive memories by leaving them a note or writing them a heartfelt letter. 

If you are musically inclined, you could write your child a song. I asked my daughter for some thoughts on this and she reminded me that I had once written her a poem.  

Another fun thing to do would be to learn how to say, “I love you” in several different languages, including sign language.

2. Acts of service

Acts of service is my dominant love language. I love making things for my children, especially quilts and clothing or a cup of hot chocolate after they come in from playing in the snow. 

Maybe you are the mom that throws amazing themed birthday parties or makes slime and playdough for your children to enjoy. 

Perhaps you could bake your kids cookies or help them tidy their room. I have a friend who makes each of her children breakfast in bed on their birthday. The dad even dressed up in a costume to deliver the tray! 

3. Receiving gifts

When a child loves a gift we have given them, it warms our hearts. But as a parent, we can feel like we might be spoiling them if we give them too many presents. 

Gifts don’t always have to cost a lot of money though. Some cheap gifts could be sidewalk chalk, bubble solution, water balloons, a jumping rope, or even a carrot for the snowman they just built. 

When we give a gift, we can enjoy it with them. Blow some bubbles, draw on the sidewalk, or have a water balloon fight. 

You can get creative with gift-giving and give some scrap lumber and build a birdhouse or give them some old clothes to play dress up in. 

You could give them a new book and read it to them. The sky is the limit with this one. 

4. Quality time

If quality time is the dominant love language in your child, you need to be intentional about actually spending time together. 

Over time, you will notice what your child truly enjoys. They may be particularly interested in going for nature walks, bike rides, or going on a scavenger hunt with you. 

They may also simply enjoy watching a movie together or looking through photo albums of their baby pictures while sitting on your lap. 

For your child, it might be to go somewhere alone with you or your spouse on a special date. 

5. Physical touch

Physical touch can speak to your child through cuddles or holding hands. Some memory-making ideas could be having tickle fights, dancing together, or giving your child a massage. 

Some kids connect by you brushing or styling their hair or by painting their fingernails and toenails. 

Maybe your child is fond of playing tag or rounding up some kids for a game of touch football. These kids usually like high fives and fist bumps. 

There are literally hundreds of ways of making memories. As parents, we often get caught up in the business of the day. We have our checklists, piles of laundry, meals to prepare, and this is on top of teaching our children all of their homeschool lessons. Being intentional can be lost in all of our duties. 

But as home school parents, we have a special privilege. We are home with our children every day.

Creating a life that you love and being intentional is something I intend on sharing more about.

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