Nobody says it out loud. It’s the thought you have at 3 a.m. when one baby finally settled and the other is still screaming — the moment you felt, just briefly, easier with this one. And then the guilt arrived, right on schedule. If you’re a parent of twins and you’ve wondered whether you’ve bonded more deeply with one child than the other, here’s the direct answer: unequal bonding in the early months is common, well-documented, and does not make you a bad parent. Most parents find the gap closes as each child’s personality emerges. What matters most isn’t whether the pull feels equal right now — it’s whether you’re investing in both relationships. Here’s what’s actually happening, and what to do about it.

What No One Prepares You For

Falling in love with two babies at once isn’t always how it works. For many parents, connection develops sequentially — one bond finding its footing before the other catches up. That reality is almost entirely absent from twin pregnancy content, which tends to focus on logistics: double the gear, the feeds, the appointments. The emotional terrain gets far less attention. Dr. Joan Friedman, a psychotherapist, twin expert, and mother of fraternal twin sons, has written directly about this. In her work with twin families, she describes how parents often find themselves closer to one baby in the early weeks — and how that gap typically closes as each child’s personality emerges. The bond isn’t missing. It’s just on a different timeline.

Why Bonding Isn’t Always Equal — or Simultaneous

Attachment between a parent and child builds over time through thousands of small interactions: eye contact, feeding, skin-to-skin contact, the way a baby responds to your voice. With singleton babies, that attentional energy flows in one direction. With twins, it’s divided from day one — and several things can tip the balance early.

  • Temperament. One baby may be easier to soothe, more responsive, or simply easier to read. That ease can accelerate the bond. The harder baby can feel more distant even when you love them just as much — which is its own specific kind of exhausting guilt.
  • Medical complexity. If one twin spent time in the NICU, the separation creates unexpected dynamics — and not always in predictable directions. Some parents bond more intensely with the baby they had at home; others poured emotional energy into the NICU baby and found that bond stronger. It varies, and both experiences are real.
  • Birth order and the birth experience. Which baby you held first, which one you spent more time with in the early hours — these moments leave a mark even when they logically shouldn’t.
  • Physical resemblance. Parents rarely name this one. One parent described the more-familiar baby as looking and acting like their partner — readable, easy to calm. It’s real, and it fades as each child’s own personality takes over.

None of this makes you a bad parent. It makes you a person navigating enormous emotional and physical demand with very little sleep.

A “Favorite Moment” Is Not the Same as a Favorite

There’s an important distinction worth making. Having a moment — or a day, or a week — where one baby feels easier to connect with is not the same as actually favoring one child over the other. The ebb and flow of parenting means some days one baby needs you more, is funnier, is easier to reach. That’s not favoritism. That’s Tuesday. The concern is when the gap becomes persistent and one-directional — when one child is consistently overlooked, not just harder to soothe in a given moment. Most parents will tell you their “favorite” changes. Sometimes by the day, sometimes by the hour. The fussy newborn who exhausted everyone becomes the easygoing toddler. The easy baby turns into the one testing every boundary at four. The favorites flip — and they keep flipping.

What the Research Says

Differential feelings toward children are common across many family configurations, not just twins. Research on parent-child attachment suggests that differential bonding in the early period is normal — and that the behavior matters more than the feeling. With twins, the dynamic is simply more visible because there’s an immediate comparison point at exactly the same age and stage, which makes ordinary variations in connection feel more charged than they are. The more important factor isn’t whether you feel an equal pull toward both babies in the early weeks. It’s whether you’re investing in both relationships — seeking out the quiet moments with the harder baby, making eye contact, learning that child’s specific cues. The feelings often follow the behavior, not the other way around.

What About Dads?

Fathers of twins might find one baby harder to connect with early on — particularly when that baby is inconsolable and responds better to the other parent. The dad who can’t calm one twin while the other settles immediately in his arms can feel like he’s failing, when he’s actually experiencing exactly what many twin dads go through in the first weeks. One dynamic worth watching: who is consistently feeding which baby. Feeding is one of the primary ways early attachment forms, and in twin households it’s common for parents to divide feeds by default, each gravitating toward whichever baby is easier for them. Parents describe this creating bond differentials that can persist well past infancy. Rotating feeds and caregiving tasks between both parents and both babies — especially early on — helps prevent a soft division from becoming an entrenched one. The practical advice from parents who’ve been through it: find your moments with the harder baby when they’re not in distress. Play, carry, a walk. The connection builds in the calm, not the chaos.

The Trap of Equal Treatment

The pressure to treat twins identically — equal time, equal affection, equal everything, right down to counting blueberries in the lunchbox — can be quietly exhausting. And it misses the point. Twins are not identical in their needs, their temperaments, or the kind of parenting they respond to. What matters isn’t sameness — it’s that both children feel uniquely loved. You might roughhouse with one and read quietly with the other. That’s not favoritism. That’s knowing your kids. Dr. Friedman writes about the importance of individual time with each twin, even in small doses — a few minutes alone during a feed, a walk where one baby comes with you. These moments aren’t a luxury. They’re how the individual relationship gets room to grow, and how each child builds healthy individuation alongside their twin.

When Someone Else Plays Favorites

One thing twin parents may not be prepared for: other people picking favorites. Grandparents who gravitate to the easier baby. Strangers who call one twin “the good one” at the farmers market. Family members who reach for the same baby every visit, photograph one more than the other, and seem genuinely unaware they’re doing it. Most of the time it isn’t conscious — it’s driven by which baby is smiling, which is easier to hold, which responds most readily. As one twin parent put it: smileyness is a factor. People feel more connected to babies who respond to them, and they’ll return to that well without realizing they’re building a pattern. The most effective approach parents describe isn’t confrontation — it’s redirection in the moment. When someone goes straight for the same twin, say “oh, it’s her turn” and pass them the other one. Mention something specific and wonderful about the less-attended twin. Make your preference for balance visible without putting anyone on the defensive. Direct conversations become necessary when the pattern persists, or when it’s happening in front of children old enough to notice — and that’s earlier than most people expect.

When to Talk to Someone

Differential bonding that’s temporary and gradually resolving is normal. But if you find yourself consistently avoiding or feeling detached from one child — if the gap isn’t closing after several months — that’s worth bringing to your doctor or a perinatal therapist. Postpartum depression and anxiety affect the attachment process, and they often go unrecognized in parents of multiples because the exhaustion and overwhelm are so expected. A persistent sense of emotional distance from one or both children is a signal worth taking seriously — not something to push through alone.

What Twin Parents Want You to Know

The harder baby often becomes the one who surprises you most — the one whose eventual smiles feel more hard-won, whose milestones land differently, who ends up deeply known by you precisely because you had to work harder to find each other. The bond you’re worried about? It’s building. Give it time, and give yourself a break.

This article draws on some of the work of Dr. Joan Friedman, psychotherapist and author of Emotionally Healthy Twins and The Same but Different, and on perspectives shared anonymously by parents in the twin community. Content on Twins Magazine is produced using an AI-assisted editorial process and reviewed by a human editor before publication.