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Kids Health

How Do Emotions Affect Learning?

by Twins Magazine December 21, 2016

written by Twins Magazine

By Janet Gonzalez-Mena

I sat in a filled auditorium waiting for a lecture on “The Link Between Thinking and Feeling.” The lecturer did not begin on time due to problems with the slide projector. The minutes crept by, and the audience grew restless.

Finally, the speaker walked to the lectern and commanded “Slides!” to his assistant.

The lights went out, but nothing happened. Tension grew. A light flashed on the screen and quickly flickered out… darkness again. Suddenly there was a loud crash as if 100 slides had spilled out onto the floor. The house lights went on, revealing a distressed assistant in the back of the room.

But our attention turned back to the front when the lecturer threw his notes down and stomped into the wings. The audience gasped and held its collective breath. Before we could let it out, the lecturer returned to the podium and asked, “Well, how are you feeling, and have you learned anything yet?”

I got the point immediately. The emotional overtones of the session had completely obliterated anything I might have gained from his lecture. He gave us a firsthand demonstration on how emotional climate affects the ability to take in and understand information.

Think of toddlers in the bathtub faced with a furious parent trying to teach a lesson about keeping the water inside the tub. What lesson do the children remember? It’s hard to tell. Think of toddlers who live in a household where angry feelings between parents are the rule. How does it affect them? Even a little lesson like staying off the coffee table changes when emotional overtones in the house are present.

Of course, all parents get upset about their children’s behavior and about each other’s behavior sometimes. However, it’s good to be aware that these feelings affect learning. If you’re furious about what your child did to her co-twin, for example, let her know that you won’t allow that behavior – but wait until you calm down to help her understand the situation. If you’re upset about rough treatment of the cat, stop it – but save the lesson on how to pet the cat for when the emotional climate is right.

It’s not easy for parents of toddlers to continually create an emotional climate that is conducive to learning. Toddlers can challenge their parents in ways that trigger emotional responses in even the most mild-mannered person.

A big shock for me as a parent came when I discovered how different toddlerhood is from fantasy. Those sweet, innocent babes that just lie there become walking balls of fire once they get up on their feet. And by 2 years of age, there’s no stopping them! Toddlers demand a different kind of parenting from what they needed as infants. They need parents who set limits and enforce them in a firm, but calm, way.

The Power of Firmness

Being firm is a real switch for many parents. Infants don’t call for firmness – but rather, responsiveness. Reading their signals and meeting their needs are the primary concerns. The question is, what are my babies trying to tell me, and how should I respond? Toddlers still have needs, of course, but those needs often lead them into behaviors their parents never even thought of! And besides having needs, they also make impossible demands. The best parental response in the face of a good deal of toddler behavior is firmness.

A firm but calm response is easier said than done. It’s very difficult to keep from losing one’s temper in the face of some 2-year-old behavior. How many parents are able to face toddler defiance and negativity calmly? It’s hard, but important, to create an emotional climate that is conducive to learning. If you understand that whatever you’re trying to teach the child is probably lost when you blow up, it may help keep you calmer. And worse – it isn’t just lost for the child who is the target of the anger, but probably for his co-twin as well.

I think of myself in the lecture hall. The speaker wasn’t furious with me, but with the assistant; however, the emotional climate between the two of them affected every single person in the auditorium in some way.

If you grew up in a family that saw fear or anger as a way to teach a lesson, remember that the emotional overlay of a situation is taken in along with the instruction.

For example, my first day as a community college teacher, I was quite nervous. I sat down to memorize my telephone extension and my office number. The numbers were similar; and in my confused and fearful state of mind, I never got them straight. After five years at that college, I was still looking up those numbers. When I tried to remember them, the feelings came back and got in the way.

So if you’re trying to get your toddlers to remember to hang-up their coats, don’t put an emotional overlay on the situation that brings fear or confusion. They may look at the hook, forget the coat, and recall only the feelings. At that moment, the lesson you intended to teach is lost!

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk

So what can you do to help keep the emotional climate at least neutral, if not positive? Here are four suggestions:

Keep your perspective. It helps to remember that toddlerhood is a stage and it will pass. The negativity and defiance come because toddlers are working on issues of autonomy. They are trying out their power. Keep your perspective on the matter, and it may help you keep your temper.
Save the lessons if you get too angry. Just get through the situation. Sit down afterwards with your child or children and reflect back on what happened. Talking about things when you have all calmed down helps.
Keep out of power struggles. Sidestep a power struggle when you perceive that you’re headed into one. Don’t be as stubborn as your toddler; use your adult intelligence to figure out how to keep from bumping heads.
Be aware of the possibility that your child (or children) may be seeking negative attention. Some children find that they can get parents to spend plenty of time and energy on them only if they misbehave. In a sense, they learn to misbehave. When that happens, parents must demonstrate that attention comes from positive behavior more readily than negative behavior.

Janet Gonzalez-Mena of Napa, California, has taught early childhood education at Napa Valley College. She is author of the book Dragon Mom, and the mother of five children.

December 21, 2016 0 comment

Kids Health

The Center of Attention: Enjoying One-on-One Time with Each Twin

by Twins Magazine December 19, 2016

written by Twins Magazine

By Carolyn B. Heller

When our twin daughters were 3, my husband, Alan and I thought that each might try spending time with each girl individually. So one Saturday morning, I announced “Today, Michaela gets to have special time with Mommy and Talia’s going to have special time with Daddy. Won’t that be fun?

Both girls burst into tears. “I want to be with my sister,” they sobbed in unison. Alan and I exchanged worried looks, but after explaining to the kids that we’d all be back together soon, I picked up Michaela, gave Talia a hug, and went out the door. As soon as we go into the car, Michaela’s tears topped. By the time we had pulled out of the driveway, she was 3 weeks old and came home from the hospital ahead of her smaller sister, she had my undivided attention. And for me, though I love both my daughters clearly, going out with just one was amazingly peaceful.

Individual time, when each child spends time alone with one parent, quickly became a favorite family activity. And we’re not alone. “It’s so easy with one child,” says Jennifer Stone, mother of 4-year-oild Eric and Elise. “You can really focus on what they’re interested in.” “There is no fighting!” adds Karen Franks, whose twins, Elisabeth and David, are 5-years-old.

Who has the time?

Many experts stress the importance of encouraging multiples’ individual development and spending time with each child one on one can be an important factor. As Jan R Hirschmann writes in “In Search of Self” in The Twinship Sourcebook, “While respecting the unique bond that is inherent in the twinship, parents of twins can provide opportunities where each child can grow as an individual.”

Yet harried parents ask, “How can I make time to be alone with each twin? I can’t manage all I have to do now!” Or, “How can I do that? My twins can’t stand to be separated.” It was hard at first, admits Jennifer Stone. “They would always want the other twin along,” when a separate outing was proposed. Stone found that initially, if both twins couldn’t go, they would often choose to stay home rather than be apart.

In their article, “Encouraging Individuality in Twins,” authors Patricia Malmstrom and Elinor Davis note that, “If providing outings for one at a time imposes a great financial or logistical hardship on the family, try something simpler, like a five minute special talk-time with each child every morning, or at bedtime.”

Rockney Walters, father of 17-year-old identical twins, Lauren and Christi, remembers that he and his wife “would regularly read independently with the girls.” Especially when the twins were little, arranging those few minutes of one-on-one time was all the Walters could manage. “It was just survival,” he sighs. As his daughters got a little older, Walters says, “Going for ice cream, even running to the hardware store, any reason for leaving the house, I would have one girl ride with me.”

Walters also notes, “Our girls really liked each other,” and as teenagers, they still choose many of the same activities and shared my friends. “But they’ve really appreciated time alone with their parents. The communication channel is much less noisy.”

Building self-esteem

Malmstrom and Davis write that, “Short periods away from a co-twin give each twin the opportunity to interact directly with an adult or other child, without help, interference or competition from each other. Such experiences can be helpful for the development of language and a sense of individual social competence.”

Victoria Hilkevitch Bedford, associate professor in the department of psychology at the University of Indianapolis, and an identical twin, says she remembers one occasion when she was 5 or 6 years old, her uncle and one of her older cousins took her to the theater all by herself. “It was one of the happiest experiences in my life,” she says “being the only child, the center of attention.”

Bedford explains that multiples get a lot of special attention just for being multiples. She and her sister were “constantly oohed and aahed over” as children. But, she says, that type of attention does nothing to build self-esteem. “I didn’t earn it,” she emphasizes, adding that when twins spend all their time together, “they don’t really get the chance to find out the response they get just for being.”

Support separate and similar interests

As multiples grow, some may choose separate activities, and parents can help their children to learn that it’s okay to do things without their twins. Karen Franks says that her daughter Elisabeth takes gymnastics lessons, while David is about to begin a karate class. During Elisabeth’s sessions at the gym, Franks and her son share a snack and take the opportunity to spend some time together.

Bedford cautions that many twins naturally gravitate to the same pursuits, and parents must walk a fine line in encouraging differences. Although, Bedford’s parents didn’t emphasize one-on-one time with her or her sister, she says, “My mother went overboard in encouraging separate interests,” labeling her the scientist and her sister the artist. “When I finally took an art class and loved it, I didn’t tell anyone,” Bedford laughs.

Special together, special apart

Sometimes, unique family circumstances can create memorable opportunities for individual time. When Franks and her family moved back to the Midwest after spending a year in Connecticut, they had two cars to move. Franks drove with Elisabeth, while her husband traveled with David and their older daughter.

“Elisabeth got to live out her lifelong fantasy of being an only child!” her mother remarks. When she and Elisabeth stopped for lunch en route, her daughter looked around and said, “No one here knows I have a twin brother,” Franks says, “She felt she was in disguise as a singleton.”

In a recent conversation, I asked my daughters to explain why they enjoy individual time. Michaela immediately answered, “We learn things that the other doesn’t know, so we can teach each other.” Talia agreed and then paused thoughtfully before giving her own reply, “We learn to be separate.” While multiples enjoy a unique bond, ultimately their special relationship becomes even stronger when their parents help them learn to be both together and apart.

Carolyn B Heller of Cambridge, Massachusetts, is a freelance writer and the mother of twin girls.

December 19, 2016 0 comment

Kids Health

Top 6 Tips for Encouraging Individuality with Your Twins

by Twins Magazine December 16, 2016

written by Twins Magazine

By Dara Lovitz, Esq.

Try your best to imagine experiencing almost every moment in life with another person who is the same age, has the same number of siblings and parents, has the same last name, lives in your house, goes to the same school, has the same teacher, and goes through life on the same waking, eating, playing, bathing, and sleeping schedule as you. That is how many twins go through their early years of life.

The individuation process that every young child experiences is complicated for twins – they not only have to learn to separate from their parents, they also have to learn to separate from their twin sibling, to whom they are so deeply connected from birth. Parents can impede the process by raising them into existence as a pair of children instead of as two single children. Research suggests that twins who were treated as a solitary unit by their parents had more difficulty forming their individual identities than twins who were treated more distinctly.

It could be argued that parents of twins generally have a more challenging early parenting experience than parents of singletons. There are countless considerations a parent of twins has to make that her parenting peers who have singleton children never face, like spoon-feeding two hungry babies at the same time, maneuvering a double stroller through the super-market, or (brace yourself) having to choose which child’s college graduation to attend when both twins’ college graduations occur on the same weekend in different cities.

So what could a parent of twins possibly learn from a parent of singletons? At least one very important thing: how to raise a singleton — well, at least how to make our twin children’s experiences more like that of their singleton peers.

Yes, by making some easy adjustments, we parents can help our twin children feel more like unique individuals and less like a mere half of a pair.

In that spirit, I compiled these top 6 tips for encouraging individuality.

1) RETHINK THE RHYMES

Let’s face it: it’s cute and it’s fun to name your twin children Will and Jill or to use alliteration and call them Beverly and Bella. When we do this, however, we reinforce the notion that they are each part of a set as opposed to two separate individuals. If you have already chosen such names, perhaps you can give at least one of them a nickname –a nickname that doesn’t rhyme with the other child’s name, for heaven’s sake! Related side note: always refer to your children by their names rather than referring to them as “the twins.” And take the time to encourage relatives and friends to respect and follow your lead here. The rule is important whether your children are within earshot or not. It’s critical that you and other essential people in their lives develop the habit of talking about them and thinking of them as individuals.

2) DRESS THEM DIFFERENTLY

Again, the cuteness factor reigns here: who doesn’t love the attention one receives when she’s walking her twins down the street and they are wearing the same exact outfit, down to the color and brand of shoe? It’s undeniably adorable to see little twins dressed alike. Still, by doing so, you are unintentionally sending the message to them and the world that they are simply two peas in a pod. Two perfectly identical peas in a pod. But your children are not uniform vegetables; they are exceptional animate beings with distinguishing personalities and traits. If you simply cannot resist putting them in the same outfit for a photo, allow yourself some slack and take the darn photo. But most of your photos should instead help to celebrate them as the extraordinary individuals that they are. When your twins are old enough, encourage them to pick out their own clothes. They may choose to match each other at times, but believe me, there will be times when they want to look nothing like one another.

3) DON’T FORCE THEM TO SHARE

When we were little, we were taught to share. So when our kids are young, we instinctively tell them they have to share. Sharing is an important skill that young children must develop in order to succeed socially.

BUT, your twins will be asked to share exponentially more times than the average singleton child for the simple reason that twins generally have more opportunities to share by virtue of playing in the same room together for most of their waking hours. And even though one of your twin children will almost always be playing with her twin sibling, she shouldn’t always be forced to share. In fact, she should have things that are hers and hers alone — things over which she can rightfully assert jurisdiction. Having one’s own things is essential to helping a child develop her sense of self, which is critical for a child who is a twin.

If it’s possible financially and logistically to put the twin children in separate rooms, do so to allow each of them to claim her own space. If two separate rooms are not available, try to give each child her own space in the twins’ shared room (or in another room). Allow the child to decorate and organize the space as she wishes and support her efforts to ‘protect’ the space from unwanted intrusion by siblings.

4) (REALLY) LEARN WHO EACH ONE IS

Relate to, and converse with, your children individually. When your twin children are young, ask them questions about what they like and don’t like so that you can learn early on what makes each child tick. Learn (and don’t forget!) which child likes which food and which colors and which songs. When you’re alone with one of your children, tell him what you’ve observed about him – tell him which wonderful and distinct attributes about him make you the most proud.

5) MAKE TIME FOR ONE-ON-ONE INTERACTION

In order to really discover each child, you will need alone time with her during which she can feel comfortable to confide in you, without commentary or judgment from another family member. Engaging in separate activities with each child will further help bond you to each child as well as help the child feel special and unique.

Many adult twins will tell you that they cannot recall sitting down for one meal with a parent without their twin sibling present. Take your young twin child to her favorite restaurant alone, just the two of you. You’ll be amazed at how happy this will make her — and you’ll be amazed at how much she’ll open up and share!

It’s also important for others in your twins’ lives to have one-on-one time. If there are other non-twin children in the family, coordinate times for each twin to have separate time with the non-twin sibling(s). If you can arrange for your twins to have alone-time with grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc., all the better! This will help your relatives discover what’s particular and enchanting about each child and this will help your twin children feel more like individuals. And don’t forget to schedule different play dates for your children with different friends. It makes sense that two different kids might get along (or not get along) with different peers, right?

6) BIRTHDAY PARTIES SHOULD BE TAILORED FOR EACH TWIN

It’s conceivable that a twin child might feel shortchanged by having to share his birthday party every year. Discuss having separate birthday parties with each child in private. If one child wishes to celebrate separately, honor that wish and consider representing the decision for separate birthday parties as one you alone have made.

If you are welcoming birthday gifts for your twin children, gently guide relatives and friends as to the differing gift wish lists of each child. If your children are given identical gifts, separate your children or have them sit back-to-back when opening them. This way, each child can experience the joy and surprise of discovering the new gift without having it ruined by witnessing his twin sibling’s reaction upon unwrapping.

If your twins decide to share their birthday party, there are simple ways to make your twins’ birthday feel more special for each child: make a personalized toast to each child; bake (or buy) two separate cakes (with each child’s respective favorite flavors and decorations); and sing “Happy Birthday” twice.

Whether it’s a celebration of the magical day your twins were born or a weekend full of errands and play dates, always consider that there are two children involved – two children with very distinctive needs and desires. In fact, in any situation, you may want to ask yourself, what would a parent of a singleton do…?

Dara Lovitz, Esq., lives in Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, and is the mother of two very different twin toddlers. She is the author of the popular children’s book, Catching Falling Cradles: A Gentle Approach to Classic Rhymes, and is working on her next book: an advice guide for parents of twins.

December 16, 2016 1 comment

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